The boy

It’s been a while since I wrote

I think I lost my touch.

I can’t find the words to say what I mean

Everything is just mute

I once remembered being important

If only for a short while.

Can’t tell you the last time being a girl didn’t make me sad

Having awards, degrees, and hard work to my name,

Has made me so mad.

I tried, and tried until I couldn’t anymore

Who knew wanting a father would be so hard

The first protection life gives so freely

Well after getting brothers, he didn’t really see me

Or anything I was trying to be to make him proud to claim me

So, I became the shell that sinks deep in the ocean blue

I became lost looking for you, trying to find love in the wrong people

Because I never felt it growing up, I never felt important to you

Because a girl didn’t fit in with the idea of your family

Which is fucking ironic to me,

Because girls become women who bare children

And the same one who bared them boys, blessed you with me first

Why is it that in some families girls aren’t valued as much as boys?

Why is it no matter what we do, we still don’t measure up

That pain leaves us with a tortured mess, looking for something to fill the void

I’m forty now, I still find myself unaccomplished and not measuring up to your boys

Your damn boys, I guess its easier to love them than it is to love me.

I guess it would have been easier if I died at a clinic, or if I wasn’t so defective.

Damn saying that out loud really nails it in.

I’m not the boy you wanted me to be,

Perhaps I owe you a “sorry”

Perhaps I owe me a “sorry” too

for caring too long what you thought,

wishing you would show up for anything or me

for not realizing you’re the problem not me

for not understanding sooner that nothing I did in life

would change your absentness in my life.

It’s been a while since I wrote

I think I lost my touch

to the little girl inside every fatherless woman around the world

be everything for yourself now, and shine like a girl.

What if karma is something unusual

 a time lapse or backwards rotation

An open roadway to finding your way instead of consequences

What if karma isn’t reaping what you sow

What if karma is a come up from the low

What if I’m waiting for people’s karma, and it never shows

because it’s not a lesson to teach

What if karma lets people win, be better without saying sorry

Karma might be a trick, a lie told for generations to make us believe,

Those who hurt others will face a punishment

A redemption, a message from the universe

But I don’t think karma works that way

Because there is a shift in the atmosphere

A pause in the rights and the wrongs

What if karma is something unusual

What if karma doesn’t exist at all?

Could be something

Could be nothing

I could be crazy

You could be insane

Or nothing could be at all

The glass door could be the window

The window could be the glass door

I could crawl out

You could walk in

Or both could cut us deep

Words could be a symbol

A symbol could be a curse

I could sage it away

You could wish it true

Or silence could be a choice

Could be something

Could be nothing

I could leave

You could stay

Or nothing could matter at all

Nothing could matter at all.  

That one word, and four letters be gone evil spirit I say

Because every time you poke your head something good goes bad

And someone’s heart gushes blood and tears

And the torture begins.

That one word, and four letters be gone  

Because every time you appear I die inside

And a shell of who I’m meant to be is all that’s left

That one word, and four letters be done

Because every time I think you’re right, turns out you’re wrong

And my time is wasted and my mind is completely shaking up

And I’m back broken once more

Don’t like, care, need or want me neither

Because false hope is worse and it’s a hard fall

And the tears I’ll cry won’t dry

And the dark will come in strong

That one word, and four letters hold so much weight

Because every time it’s used for playing, my feet feel unsteady

And the ground begins to shake, and nothing makes sense anymore

And I know trouble is ahead, and I would rather not circle this path again

Because we both know you don’t want me anyway,

 So don’t say you love me  

At what age is it okay to careless about friends ?

20s or 30s

At what point does it not affect your life

40s or 50s

Should it matter that loneliness breaks so many down

Should it matter that sharing those good moments and bad help our brains understand

Do we cry and beg for attention, to be mentioned, seen and or heard

Do we lay still in our tears in the silence without words.

Some people say, “they don’t need them” or “that they don’t care”

But I find the lie in that statement, everywhere

Because human connection is more than touch

It’s a laugh, it’s singing, it’s talking about life

It’s saying those things you hide to a friendly ear at night

So, tell me what age is it okay to careless about friends?

At what point is it okay to admit we need them?

To hold on tight could be the death

Of all who love so much

But in the knowing is the core that the heart must let go

To soak in the hurt is a crippling reaction to wanting what isn’t ours

To allow that empty to take so much of our inner self away

And locking us up inside ourselves is a price too heavy to pay

To hold on tight to memories only meant to visit

To pull on the heart that desire to feel comfortable and needed

Broken beautifully in a mist of hopes and dreams

Because white picket fences are prettier when a soulmate holds your hand

And sunshine is brighter when it’s softer to land

Imagine a heart that never feels the tear of a break or a scar from a mistake

to squeeze the chest of protection, commitment, and love

knowing that forever is beyond the story books, beyond the fantasies

to hold on tight to shadows, images that only appear in the dark haunting

your peace and delivering cold streams upon your cheeks

reminding you of all pieces too small and shattered to put together

to just be in an open space, empty and afraid

because you don’t know what the road has for you if you keep going alone

The thought of falling freezes your chest and spirals your head

 but the truth of becoming new opens the possibilities of what’s next

because love and pain are the same, and we tend to hold on tight

forgetting that growth comes when we learn to let it all be, set it loose

and soar gracefully.

So, the next time you want to hold on tight, in chaos of life

Breath, and let go instead……  Just let go.                                                                                                

If I was missed, I hope it showed

I hope when I popped up your eyes would glow

The frown on your lips would turn into a smile

One different from the normal one seen occasionally

If I was missed, I hope it would hurt

Enough that you would never want to feel that absence again

Enough to make you wonder what ifs and what could be

I hope in the corner of your mind a picture of me stays

And when it floods your head it’s in so many ways

If I was missed, the sun would cry and the moon would ache

The water would dry and the heart would break

And all that was left would never really have been

If I was missed, I hope it showed

I hope it showed.

In South Carolina

In front of the oceans waves

I could feel my heart

I could leave it all in the sand

When the sun rose in the morning

I could kiss the sky with a smile

I could hug the air and feel alive

In South Carolina

My toes waved to the clouds

My fingers bathed in water so gently

In South Carolina

I turned 40, over the hill another day

With my mind filled with emotions big and small

In South Carolina

The world felt comfortable for awhile

But then came the day to head back to Va

And face reality again.

Life is not fair, and it is not my friend

On this long road home I sit and silence

And listen tight

for the answer I know I will seek to tonight.

And I’ll play an ocean sound that will momentarily soften the part

That knows, in South Carolina

I left my heart.

 

The life we live gives us no choice.

The illusion that everything will be fine

Is just that an illusion.

Rich or poor doesn’t matter

Because you we can’t chose anyway

It’s in the plan they say.. his plan

Which means your either worthy or not

How can you know if you don’t get a sneak peek of the play

What can you fix when you don’t know what to say.

Life is the biggest game being played in your face, and you don’t even know it.

You have no clue how to win

Or how to lose because losing comes with so much mixed feelings

So what are we praying for

Is it helping?

Is it hurting?

Is it moving mountains and building love

In the weak to make them strong

Or is it just something we do right before we fall.

Right when it all seems like good

Life comes end and swipes away any chance of hope left.

So what are we doing this for ?

So what are we doing this for!!!